Poem: I Saturate Myself In You

Title - I Saturate Myself In You

My fear is dressed up in fabrics of exhilaration,
And underlying anxiety hopes you won’t notice,
As I saturate myself in you.

Sunlight favourably aims towards you,
As you beautifully radiate its’ rays.
And I am captivated by you.

Your hand gently glides over your coffee-cup,
So intently caressing in its’ movement;
I would dearly love to hold it.

Eyes so penetrating in their gaze,
Making difficulty simple, eroding all my walls –
Look at me once more.

I’m aware that I’m riding on the back of danger,
Bareback into the depths of the unknown,
But it’s all to know you.

The world could fall apart from underneath me,
And the waves consume the highest mountains,
I would still remain in you.

All my attempts to get past you have failed,
And my thoughts refuse to be directed elsewhere,
They’re delightedly fixed on you.

So I allow myself to be rendered senseless,
And permit you to be my fatal distraction,
As I saturate myself in you.

Poem: "Apathy"

Title: Apathy

This Apathy
Is eating me,
Releasing me,
Seizing me.
I’m not free
From Apathy;
It’s haunting me,
Flaunting me,
Like pathology,
And cutting me.
But Apathy
Is psychology
That lies to me,
Numbing me.
The irony
Of Apathy.

Poem: "Juxtaposition Manipulation"

Note: Playing with metaphors is hilarious!

TITLE: JUXTAPOSITION MANIPULATION

Inside of me there’s a big blue box
With lots of trinket hopes,
And courage as little toy soldiers
Showing me the ropes.
A rag-doll the symbol of my fear,
Her tangled hair, my life.
She hides behind the slinky dog
To better suppress my strife.
My lust is the fire engine,
It’s usually quite tame;
But once in a while the siren rings,
And traps me in the game.
The cliché teddy bear for love
With his penetrating smile –
Radiating warmth and joy
In his elementary style.
The box, it holds so many toys,
In metaphorical wonder.
I continue to permit my mind,
To rest a bit, and ponder.

Poem: "The Affects of Perfection"

Title: The Affects of Perfection

Hanging by a thread
It’s already breaking
Can’t silence my head
Foundations are shaking
Moving so fast
And nearing a wall
Losing my grasp
So close to the fall
The standard is high
Too high to achieve
It’s pressure time now
A struggle to breathe
The balancing scales
Are unequally yoked
Reason was jailed
And tranquillity broke
I need some perspective
To simply get by
But I can’t be objective
The river is dry
I need to believe
That it will all work out
But the push to achieve
Fuels the drought
The nights are long
The future is closed
Confidence gone
Anxiety grows.

Poem: "The Loss Of Something Not Quite Mine"

Note: The right person can always extract some love poetry...

Title - The Loss of Something not Quite Mine

Expressions are lonely and exasperated,
And the latest desire is a cup of frothy coffee,
With a relationship to go.

Imaginations are proactive and romantic,
In the midst of a let-me-down world
And a bed half empty.

Dreams are covering up the heartache,
Replacing it with the misplaced hope of tomorrow,
Mixed with a tub of cookie-dough.

There was something in your gentle, unassuming manner,
That caught hold of my immediate attention.
Those eyes were captivating.

The fears and futures that we distracted ourselves with,
Caused the enemy theory of not-meant-to-be.
What a theoretical joke!

The ironic beauty of universal truthfulness,
That all we need is the love of another,
And we fight to disagree.

Yet here we find ourselves, alone in the night,
The sickening, yet comforting joy of success through the day,
And regret in the morning.

It is not often that I find myself amidst such brutal honesty,
That I would sacrifice it all for your hand gripping mine,
You would have been worth it.

I never considered it possible to experience such an intense
sense of loss regarding something that was never mine.
But I miss you.

"All we need is love"

It is a great human tragedy that the heart desires the love of another.

This may sound like a generalisation. Some may deny that they even have such a desire. I don't know what the greater tragedy is... to have such a deep need for another, or to be so hardened to refuse the existence of such a need.

I find myself frustrated with the fact that I fight myself so extremely to cause my key focuses to be on 'important' things such as my career and defending the 'right' side of morality, yet the depths of my heart cry for the conventions of love, and denied-preparations to sacrifice for it.

I have also been disheartened at the ability of some to admit yet supress this desire within themselves, and to successfully convince themselves that other issues are of greater importance at the current moment, where as I seem to be plagued by my inability to do so, yet the necessity of pretending that I can.

I very rarely find myself in moments of brutal honesty such as this, so this writing will pose as proof when I return to the pretentious, make-belief world of "I-don't-need-to-be-loved-by-him."

I went to Uganda. I recieved a taster of what real joy is in the attitudes of the people there. I had the privilege of witnessing real faith. I am challenged to stop placing some of my joy in material things that don't last, and rather to place it fully in Jesus... and to love my friends and family with everything I have within me.

In the words of Robin Mark:
"When it's all been said and done
There is just one thing that matters;
Did I do my best to live for truth?
Did I live my life for You?"

Integrity

Integrity is who you are when no-one's watching.

Poem: EMPTY FRAME

I wrote this poem after walking into topshop and the first thing I saw was a 'size zero' model with her shirt open. I got so frustrated with the norms and ideals the media and this world create. We need to stop being driven by such ridiculous rubbish and start naming and claiming the beautiful truths about ourselves, and recognise what is most important.

TITLE: EMPTY FRAME

Constructed, Deconstructed
Through a fashionable ideal.

A bone structure?
A shrine of her
Upon a frame
In a window-pane.
A standard set,
She won't forget,
And sleepless nights,
Internal fights.
Mirror glances,
Cheap romances,
Native lies
And smile disguises.
One named disorder,
A new world order
Of image queens,
Size zero jeans.
Idolatry,
She can't be free.
To be alive
Is just to strive.
Danger chills,
Vitamin pills.
Purging, binging,
Never winning.
Lying, starving,
Penance-carving.
What went wrong?
I'll sing a song
Of light and love
Sent from above.
Of life and hope,
And strength to cope.
He broke the chains,
And heals the pain.
He came to die,
To crush the lies,
Defeating death,
The heart's next breath.
Don't live deceived,
In Him believe.
Taste and see,
And be set free -
By enduring truth.
You're living proof
That there is more
Worth living for.
So you remain,
Before that frame,
And you can choose
To win or lose.
Break the glass -
This frame won't last.
In the King's domain,
It's an empty frame.
A brand new start,
A beating heart,
Pumping blood
Like a holy flood.
Yes, you're alive,
He's on your side.
You're in His care
And He'll be there,
In present-tense
Real life events.
So storm or calm,
The Great I AM
Will lead you on,
The battle is won.

Deconstructed, Reconstructed
Through a captivating truth.

Sacrificial Love

Love is a sacrifice. Waow. I feel that this is not going to be one of those wonderfully eloquent pieces of writing, but this is something that has been on my heart and that I see as being very important.

Regardless of whether you are 'religious' or 'spiritual' or not, I ask you to consider this amazing biblical description of what love actually is. You have probably heard this countless times. Perhaps you're even growing bored of hearing it. I ask you to look at it now as if with new eyes...

1Corinthians13v4-7: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Jeepers... love is about so much more than how I feel inside. Love is an active word. Love is sacrificial. Love is about considering the feelings, struggles, joys and situations of others. Love is about caring for others like we would long to be cared for. Love is about genuinely putting others before ourselves with NO ulterior motive... even if it means we have to be worse off because of it (yes it's big stuff!).

As much as I love discussing grand ideas and theorising etc, I'm not going to ramble around this subject for ages. The most important thing here is putting into practice the implications of sacrificial love. Oskar Schindler saved 1100 Jews during the holocaust by sheltering them through work within his factory. 'The good Samaritan' stopped to help the dying Jew (picture your WORST enemy, or someone you would feel seriously uncomfortable around - then picture them being the one to help you when you need it most - that is love). Jesus gave up his life to save people. I could list many more examples of extraordinary, sacrificial love... but I want you to think of what you could do as an act of sacrificial love.

Perhaps you need to sacrifice being so busy, and spend more quality time with your family.

Maybe you need to get up off your feelings of inadequacy and be there for that friend who needs you.

Maybe you need to start supporting the work of a charity.

Maybe you need to give up on your pride act and be more teachable, accept rebuke.

Perhaps you need to stop being so arrogant and try to see things from other points of view.

You've seen that boy or that girl who is in need of a friend, someone to take an interest... you could invite them out with you.

Perhaps you need to stop being so reckless with your money so that you can invest it in things that really matter.

Maybe you need to stop and speak to the people on our streets who are selling the big issue/belfast telegraph. I imagine a world where people are quicker to love than to judge.

Instead of crossing the street when you see a homeless person ahead, you could walk right up to them and take them for a sandwhich / buy them a coffee / have a chat.

Maybe you could actually start listening to your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife.

You might be quick to recognise when someone isn't sensitive to your feelings/desires... so instead of dwelling on how hard done by you are, make the effort to be a sensitive friend to others.

Maybe you're bitter or angry about something. Could you sacrifice your bitterness for forgiveness?

Only you know what would be best to begin with in terms of living a life of sacrificial love. I pray that you would be blessed in the process of learning to actually love your neighbour as yourself. Take the challenge.

Jx

Something Simple

TITLE: YOU DIED
You died to yourself,
You died for me.
You died so that
The blind might see.
You died in pain,
The cross to bear.
You died alone,
God’s love to share.
You died in dark
To bring the light.
You died to defeat
The thief of the night.
You died as a sacrifice,
For all human sin.
You died to rise,
You died to win.

Complex Cobwebs

Ours is an era of complexity. Individuals are influenced, engaged and indoctrinated by the conflicting, mixed array of images and messages that they are faced with each day. Hollywood’s clothing size double zero is painted as the new image of perfection, then young people are placed under controlled monitoring, and their emotional and mental stability is questioned if they adjust their diet in an attempt to attain the ‘perfect body’. Individuals who cut themselves are thought of as insane or suicidal, when perhaps, they are simply trying to keep control within a chaotic world. People have been known to completely defy the world’s understanding and hurt and starve themselves as penance for sin. The fashion industry is becoming a den of lions where people are no longer simply changing their outfits, but in reality, they are changing their very bodies. Beauty is indeed pain as the knife carves away what is unwanted and inserts what is desirable to meet the standard. We have seen political prisoners starve themselves for a cause they were prepared to lay down their lives for, and others strap bombs to themselves for the glory of their God. I am not talking about a series of dual or binary conflicts here. What I am referring to is the complex web of knowledge and understanding, of messages and beliefs, of opinions and disagreements, of captivity and freedom.

These words are not benign. These words are not approaching these difficult subjects for the first time, nor will they have the final say. These words are not covering everything that needs to be covered. But these words have power. When real issues are spoken about, written about and acted upon, there is power. I dare to be too personal, but I am prepared to take the risk as I say that regarding these issues, academia is merely a means to an end. Some things are simply too important to merely objectify. Let us embrace the words of Ghandi and take a look at ourselves, then be the change we want to see… “for the hope of liveable worlds.” (Quote by Anne Harroway)

J

Perspective.

Every person, every story, every situation, every opinion, every ideology, every place, every thought, every feeling... Everything has a context. Sometimes we need to step outside our own in order to even begin to understand another. People are not people in the context of themselves, they are themselves in the context of others. Take a glance at that somebody's life who is behaving in a way that you disagree with, or is doing something that is confusing you, saddening you or frustrating you... except this time, try not to look from your own context or perspective, but from theirs. This is possibly one of the greatest acts of humility I can think of, and one of the most admirable, because it is one of the most difficult.

This is a journey.

A continuum.

It takes effort.

And purity of heart and motive.

Encourage joy in the lives of others. That is all.

Rambling about engaging with life.

I demand a revolution, but I seem to talk in code most of the time. A revolution of what, you say... of thought, motive and deed, I say.

I would say you were my sweetest downfall, but could a downfall ever be sweet? I don't know.

I wish I had somebody to blame.

I am immersed in academia, but can I use any of it really? If it eventually gets the better of me, then it was all for nothing.

Engagement is my 'word of the week'. Engage with yourself - with your deepest passion, emotion, questions, creativity, knowledge and so on. Engage yourself with life - use these aspects of self to impact the world. Engage your heart with others - we are relational people, never meant to be alone. Alone we wither away. Engage your soul with God - it's why you were made, and this is not up for ridiculous, theological arguments.

Engage, Engage, Engage.

When you stop engaging, something is wrong. Things get dark. Life gets dull. The world gets scary. We get sad. Keep engaging.

Desire drives us. Desire is difficult. Desire can be leading, and misleading. It's all about perspective.

Poem: Kingdom Come

My Child, do you love me?
Lord, You know I do.
Then feed my lambs, tend my sheep,
And believe what you know to be true.

This is no easy task I give you,
Let me tell you where to start:
You will have to let me search you,
And purify your heart.

This must be out of love for me,
Not profit for youself.
It could require great sacrifice,
But your soul will gain great wealth.

I give to you my Spirit,
And I will lead you in My Way;
From you I ask for willingness,
And a heart that will obey.

I'm letting you do my Kingdom Work
Of setting Captives free,
And discipling them in their freedom,
That they would grow in me.

I commission you to gather my flock
Underneath my Calvary Steeple;
And I equip you with peace and love,
To minister to the people.

So in, through and around you,
you will see my Kingdom Come.
And on earth just as in Heaven,
you will witness my will being done.

Poem: Love is Limitless, or Limited.

In the midst of the winter sunshine,
She found herself wondering one of life’s greatest questions:
“Why do we limit love?”
It seems that it can only be
In a certain place
At a certain time
With a certain person
For a certain purpose.
But is not love greater than this?
And broader, and wider, and deeper?
It incorporates so much thought,
feeling, emotion and hope.
So she put on her sunglasses and observed
the people around her.
The children, the lovers, the friends.
She found herself smiling, and in that moment,
She wasn’t so afraid anymore;
Of course the fear would return,
And the asking,
And the doubting.
But she would always treasure that moment -
when she was free from captivity.

Poem:Down and Out

She lay on the cold pavement on Botanic Avenue,
Sometimes the Ormeau Road,
Not that the name of the road is particularly relevant.
She is known to be talking - to herself, to God, to passers by;
Nobody is quite sure who exactly.
It has been speculated by those who pay any attention at all
That there is the possibility of insanity,
Or demonic possession.
My diag-nonsense is that this is what happens when the harshness of life
has its way.
When hopes are shattered and dreams turn to nightmares.
Who the hell would want to be part of the real world
When the real world is full of shit and darkness,
And the Kingdom of Hell reigns in the lives of the lonely,
And the hurting,
She used to be a nurse, she says, amidst barking and making her idiotic noises.
She speaks of her once-was-husband.
My heart is sore listening to her.
I can't restore her life.
I can only offer a listening ear and a cup of coffee for heat and stimulation.
Often I lie to myself, saying that this is enough,
And often I lie to myself, saying that it is not.
Why does nobody see her?
And why don't they see that by not seeing her,
they are enhancing the Kingdom of Hell on earth?
She was showing me her Christmas present from little Sophie the other day.
I want to clone Sophie's heart
And put one into each bitter, idiotic human being,
And how I wish I did not sound cynical.
God bless Sophie, who God-blessed Barbara.
Oh yes, Barbara is her name, if you are interested.
I imagine, however, that you are not
Like the rest of the desensitized people.
Perhaps it's not their fault.
No-one enjoys feeling pain, and it hurts when one's eyes are exposed to reality,
But how will anything ever change if few others see like Sophie?

Poem: Take Every Thought Captive

Nobody could possibly understand the complexities,
The sporadic thoughts,
The illogical reasoning,
And the constant battles
Of my mind.
I have been told about the world,
The flesh,
The devil,
And God.
I feel particularly informed and observant
When it comes to each of them.
But I am helpless in the battle.
I try to wear the helmet of salvation,
But as much as it keeps danger out,
It keeps danger in.
Or else I am doing something wrong.
It is a little cage around my head.
I never was the type to easily accept anything,
Or to condemn or reject things I know nothing about.
So you see, I can't cage my mind.
It is not how I have been created.
But
I want to know the trick
To taking every thought captive.
If I could
I would capture each one with a mental net.
I want to know the method
Of taking those sporadic, illogical thoughts of mine,
And making them obedient
TO CHRIST.
Not to people.
Not to culture.
Not to churches,
Not even to theological interpretation.
To Christ.
But everyone reads with lenses and interprets accordingly,
So how is this possible?
Am I any different to the other religious ignoramuses?
I hate dogmatism.
What I know now in part,
Then I will know in full.
But until that day,
I will live to represent Him correctly,
By love, not judgement.
I will ask the questions
And I will seek the answers
Because the desire of my heart is for
The Glory of God
And the betterment of people.

Pride and barricades

Pride is a good quality, until it becomes a wall.

Love is NOT self-seeking.

I would rather seek to create springs that encourage and enable people to jump, rather than bricks that inevitabley build walls (and keep people closed in, or keep people out).

Love is NOT self seeking.

Mahatma Ghandi says, "Be the change you want to see in the world." I want to see people loving each other without conditions. I want to see differences set aside. I want to see lonely people embraced. I want to see homeless people treated like actual human beings and NOT looked down upon. I want to see them spoken to, joked with, helped. I want to see people who do not fit into the 'status quo' accepted. I want to see the notion of the status quo abolished, and the ideas of 'normal' and 'abnormal' abandoned. I want to see narrow-minded people try their best to at least see situations from other angles, including myself with certain things. I want to see people enter journeys of self-discovery without fear. I want to see people desire to build their friends up, not tear shreds off them. I want to see cycles of destruction broken. I want to see the hungry fed. I want to see the naked clothed. I want to see captives set free. I want to see individuals choose to PROTECT, not abuse and destroy the hearts of others. I want to see people actually loving themselves and appreciating who they are rather than playing games of comparison and falling short. I want to see people encouraged regarding what they are passionate about. I want to see a better shift towards equal opportunities. I want to see strongholds broken. I want to see an end to domestic violence, child abuse, animal abuse, manipulation in the workplace, manipulation in general, mind games. I want to see people communicating more. I want to see atmospheres created where people are able to feel safe enough to be open and real. I want to see more appreciation of art, poetry, music and other creative and beautiful aspects of this world. I want to see Fair Trade become a way of trading, not a seperate sect. I want to see more 'free thinking' (at least as free as possible) and less indoctrination. I want to see more selflessness. I want to see a greater percentage of humanity being prepared to turn the other cheek. I want to see people (particularly those with 'religious convictions') be more willing to live in the gray areas and not be so determined to define everything as black or white. I want to see humanity learning from each other's differences, not bickering over them. I want to see Chruch denominations wise up. I want to see an end to reality TV exploitation. I want to see self-loathing countered and reversed. I want to see the suicide rate dropping. I want to see people TALKING about their struggles/issues. I want to see healthy control mechanisms developed and practiced. I want to see people realising their potential, and i don't want to see others blocking that realisation with insults. I want to witness more servant hearts in play. I want to see more functioning relationships. I want to see greater levels of committment. I want to see promises kept. I want lies to cease. I want to see humanity attempt to slow down/prevent global warming. I want to see healing processes (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) entered into without fear and developed. I want to see all children have a childhood. I want people to take the important things seriously, and know when to relax. I want to hear and experience more laughter. I want people to take off their masks. I want less pretense and more exposure. I want people to have reason to want to get out of bed in the morning. I want less corruption. I want people to experience a purposeful life - life in all abundancy. I want all of this and so much more. I realise that i need to be willing and prepared to be part of the change. I want to be the change i want to see in the world. I can only answer for myself. Call me an idealist and see if i care.

Love is NOT self seeking.

Love is patient and kind. It does not envy or boast and it is not proud. It does not delight in wrongs, but rejoices with the truth. It is not self-seeking. LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.